Thursday, December 02, 2004

Science Fiction Story


--This is an outline for a science fiction story I wrote when I was bored. It's a parody of "Robin Hood". It's pretty funny. I personally think it's better than it would be if it were a complete story. Tell me what you think.



Money is taxed (stolen basically) from the poor and given to rich military figures in a futuristic pseudo-“Robin Hood” era.


Flamingo Hat, an overly simpleminded and flamboyant Robin Hood-type character who, using an arsenal of futuristic weapons and gadgets (mostly by accident) attempts to thwart the tax collectors and return the money to the poor, not so much out of generosity but more because of his blinding love for the spotlight.

Specific Dick the Kangaroo-Spleen, head of the World Armed Forces (WAF), and thus the Ruler of Earth, rules his planet with an iron fist (and a highly trained, highly paid army that is no more than a band of mercenaries united by a flag). Besides taxing the ever-poorer working class to fund his gargantuan military force, Spc. K.S. or “Kayess”, as he is sometimes called, spends his time driving away “hostiles” from his planet who are really just peaceful alien life-forms from the planet Betelgeuse (of the Orion Star System) trying to perform various studies on the Earth’s seemingly invulnerable ozone layer in order to save their own, failing atmosphere.

Minor Snottingham is the ‘head’ of Taking Away eXceptional sums of Expensive Stuff, or T.A.X.E.S., and therefore has control of Spc. Kayess’ entire tax collecting operation.

Public J.J. (John Jacob) McDoogle, or “Big Jack” for short, was the ‘neck’ of T.A.X.E.S. before “Snotthead” (as he calls him) busted him back down to Public for indecent exposure at a staff family picnic. Now this embitterment has caused him to defect secretly to Flamingo’s forces while still retaining his position as ‘middle-toe’ of T.A.X.E.S. (Let it be known that Jack is the only real “brains” in Flamingo’s outfit; though, much to his dismay, the credit is usually given to someone else.) (Let it also be known that although the nickname “Big Jack” is a mockery of his short stature, he does not seem to mind it...He does not, however, enjoy under any circumstances, being called “B.J.”)


Future Earth. Basically the same as our earth except that:
1) The name is capitalized and everything is called ‘former’ this or ‘former’ that.
2) There is much more gunpowder in the air (which unbeknownced to Earthlings and Betelgeusians alike is the cause for its amazingly tough ozone layer) causing the Earth to smell like rotten eggs (which no-one really notices)
3) The world is united under a single Military Dictator who steals money from the poor and attacks peaceful Betelgeusians. (Same old, same old.)

Notquitepositivewood Jungle, a literal forest of tangled automobiles, computer components, optical cables, and overgrown artichoke plants, is the home to Flamingo Hat’s band of depressed and ADD-stricken men. Once the sprawling Silicon Valley, Notquitepositivewood Jungle is the result of the Y-2222-Bug which for one minute on February Twenty-Second in the year Two-Thousand-Two-Hundred-and-Twenty-Two caused a massive digital tornado effect which consumed and then spat out the entire valley area in a record-setting performance of sixty seconds. (Legal Note: Due to fact that all forms of time-measurement imploded at least twice during the above stated incident, the “Sixty Second Silicon Soufflé” is not recognized as an ‘actual record’ by Guinness World Records Ltd. or any other such organization. Regardless, the record has become a widely accepted fact and, despite numerous attempts, still stands today.)

World Armed Forces Headquarters (WAFHQ) is home to the entire ruling class of Earth. This architecturally controversial city-state covers the entire mid-section of present-day United States, encompassing former Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, New Mexico, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, Wisconsin, Illinois, and Louisiana minus New Orleans. Due to the fact that WAFHQ took over three-hundred-and-fifty years to build, the architecture it contains is by no means self-conformant. Each building reflects the trend of the time period it was built in, ranging from the “Boxy Early Two-Thousand-Eight-Hundred-and-Nineties” to the “Cool Squiggly Line Style” of the Late Three-Thousand-Two-Hundred-and-Forties. The most non-conformant (and therefore most impressive) building is of course the Specific’s. Located in former Concordia, Kansas (the former geographic center of the former United States), this literal castle was designed by the great artist 'Unknown' using scene footage from the ancient Monty Python archives recovered from archeological digs in the Talkfunny Islands (formerly Wales, England, Scotland, and Ireland).


The story begins with a weaved-in description of Earth and the main characters shortly after Flamingo Hat begins his road to stardom. After many humorous but successful “tax refunds”, Flamingo is joined by J.J. McDoogle and begins planning his final stroke against T.A.X.E.S., during which, Minor Snottingham prepares for and begins carrying out an operation to capture Hat by joining his “merry” band of men, gaining his confidence, then leading him into a “secret” entrance into T.A.X.E.S. designed to ensnare him and his men. Well into his plan though, he discovers the honorability in Flamingo (despite his low intelligence) and the true wickedness of the government. Due to pressures from the Specific though, he continues with the trap. Unbeknownced to him, the Specific also plans his own interception force designed to eliminate Hat before he even reaches WAF Headquarters.

In a humorous invasion scene, Flamingo gets disoriented and ends up ambushing and defeating Kayess’ force. The Specific’s distrust proves to be the last straw for Snottingham, who attempts to warn Flamingo of his trap but fails when he is stopped by Big Jack who ultimately recognizes him during the ambush. This event becomes very emotional when Snottingham and Big Jack duel and Snottingham professes to Big Jack’s ‘deaf’ ears his wish to save Hat. Snottingham wins the duel but spares Jack’s life, proving to him his changed ways. Together they enter the pseudo-secret passage to save Flamingo.

During all of this, Flamingo (in a stroke of stupidity, intelligence, and blind luck) leads his men into a real secret passage into Castle Concordia, where they find the unsuspecting Specific and his top military personnel discussing a movie they had just seen. In a very confusing (as if it weren’t confusing enough) passage, Big Jack and Snottingham battle the entrapment force in the pseudo-secret passage, while Flamingo Hat and his remaining forces battle the Specific. In a glorious, ironic, and Oscar-worthy climactic performance, Flamingo triumphs and slays the Specific in the magnificent castle while Snottingham and Jack die fighting against unimaginable odds, side-by-side as brothers in the dark, moist bowels of the T.A.X.E.S. building, making the reader wonder who the heroes really are.

Before they can decide however, the entire WAFHQ is blown to smithereens by the once-peaceful Betelgeusians who, after melting, exploding, de-atomizing, adding three egg-yokes, and finally, baking the Earth’s government, take a few samples of our air and then leave to live in peace again in a huge anti-climatic climax destroyer which leaves readers with intense feelings of hate mixed with pangs of guilt and pity for the author who went insane trying to bring them one step closer to enlightenment but tripped at the finish-line. (I like toast!)


Basically a pseudo-“Robin Hood” story supported by large doses of humor such as parody, repetition, midget jokes, and overall moronicism mixed with brief moments of clarity.
Example 1: Flamingo Hat unknowingly neutralizes a large group of assassins while trying to work what he thinks is a sophisticated cloaking device but is really a simple Omnidirectional Underwear Compressor and Headache Inducing Electric-gizmo (or OUCHIE for short).
Example 2: After Flamingo makes several references to Big Jack as “B.J.”, Jack freaks out and screams profanity at Flamingo. He then refuses to speak at all until Flamingo finally approaches him and tells him in a well spoken, highly deductive, and entirely uncharacter-like narration that basically it’s not Jack’s stature that he is trying to make fun of but his large I.Q. he is trying to praise, and how, if Jack is as smart as he says, he would realize that his height is not a limitation but merely a means to get his enemy into a false sense of superiority and is by no means a measure of his character. Then, once Jack has settled down and apologized for his behavior, Flamingo says to him, “Now get back to work you stupid midget.” (please address all hate mail to your congressman)
Example 3: At one point during the story, Flamingo is confronted about his name, to which he relates the story of his child-hood tendencies to wear pink shirts and hats with flamingoes on them and how his father, his only family, disowned him for it. After the relation, someone makes the inevitable comment ‘so that’s how he got his name...’ and Flamingo says, “Oh...that’s what you wanted to know?” After a few nods he relates, “My father (whom he calls Errol as a reference to Errol Flynn who portrayed Robin Hood in The Adventures of Robin Hood) thought I had misguided sexual tendencies and because of this called me ‘Flaminghomo’. ‘Hat’ was my idea.” (Thus revealing the fact that his real name is Flaminghomo Flynn.)

The overall message created in the story is highly paradoxical. While continuously portraying what could result from continued government spending on various, seemingly useless military budgets, it ends with a covert insurrection by the once-peaceful Betelgeusians promoting the idea that, if we only direct our focus toward internal affairs such as military budgeting, we will likely miss what is going on elsewhere, which can have dire consequences (such as the inhuman events of September 11th).


The main dialogue is provided by Flamingo, who promotes endless quantities of humor through natural dumbness and infrequent moments of omniscient clarity. Set in an Americanized form of Shakespearian dialect, the dialog is a mix of everyday speech and medieval words such as knave, gander, and thou. (‘Does thou wish to take a ride in my Chevy Nova?’ ‘Dude, why are you such a knave?’)

Narration and Description

Descriptions are similar to those of the Character and Setting sections of this outline. Basically everything is described through its history and its faults.

Narrative Point of View

The one where you can see and hear everything including thoughts but not so much interior emotions, with attention based more on characters and action and not so much on background (Third Person Omniscient, I think).

--Yah, that's kind of the gyst of what I do in my spare time... unless I'm playing guitar. I hope you got a few laughs. Again, feel free to comment (hate, happiness, etc.)



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