Monday, December 13, 2004

Is Anyone Out There? No...Okay...

Hey nonexistant people,

--Well, I don't know what to say really. My life is in a pretty s*****y hole right now. Thank ___(insert idol here) for my girlfriend or I dunno what the f**** I'd be doing now. On the fringe, my reshowing of my POI Project showing didn't happen because my teacher forgot to tell anyone even though I reminded her EVERY TIME I SAW HER. But that's way far back, and there's so much other crap I don't know what to do about now. It's funny...I was a confident, sane person as of like two days ago...F****...I dunno...AND it's the holiday season...Who know's? Maybe helping others and seeing them smile will cheer me up. Not that anyone out there will care...This life, this blog...All silent screams...I spend my time helping others and I fall for it. I stress over others' problems, help them with their homework and studying, make sure some of my more overly depressed friends keep eating and don't do something stupid and hurt themselves. Meanwhile I don't get enough sleep, I don't eat enough, I shake and jitter so much that it's hard for me to type. I don't get my homework in enough. I lose money buying them gifts for the holidays when I know in their preoccupation they will forget to return the favor. They're wonderful people with beautiful minds, and I try to nourish them as such. But what does that make me? Am I failing at life by trying to help others succeed? Are my values wrong? Should I neglect them and help myself only? I could never let others suffer when I could for them. What am I to do? If I try and stay inbetween, both sides lose balance and topple. I have one week of finals and then it's holiday break. But I'm down about eight pounds, low on sleep, and running out of ego. I use all my strength being strong for my friends, and none is left for me. I know I will do well on my finals (I'm VERY good at tests), but what then? Will it be too late to salvage my strength and sanity? Will I crash down to oblivion? I doubt anyone one out there will come to this blog, let alone care enough to read this. Oh yeah, and good luck getting a comment; my cry will go unheard. I am sorry I'm like this after previously being so joyous, but I can't keep up the act. I am so f****ing tired of being strong. I want to curl up in a ball and have someone hold me. Quietly hum songs and whisper over and over again "It's okay, it's okay", while rocking me back and forth. If someone out there does read this, let me make this clear: I am not suicidal, this isn't one of those 'life or death' cry for helps. This is the unanswered scream for support that I know will never come. Maybe someday...I dunno...Hopefully I'll be happier next time I post...I'd hate to bore the world with the details of my stupid life any further. If someone out there is reading this and feels some emotion. Any emotion. Love, hate, sympathy, regret, loneliness, rage, pity, brotherhood, sisterhood, ANYTHING! Someone out there just tell me: what am I doing wrong? Is this what life is about? Who's life? Is life a word refering to that which we have, or that which we nurture? It's depressing, but chances are there will be the same amount of comments one my blog as before I wrote this. If someone out there made it through all this melancholy bulls**** that is my life and actually cares, I'd first like to say I am sorry you had to listen to me like this. Scroll down for some happier posts. Secondly, I'd like to thank you for hearing my scream. Third, if you are really feeling down from all this, call my cell-phone or text message it at (650) 941-5466, if I'm there, I'll cheer you up, I promise. Let me be strong for you. It will cheer us both up. I am a good person when I don't feel like a bad person. If I'm not there you can always leave a message. It's nice to know I'm not downing and droning on to a blank wall. You can even hum.



At 10:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear god what have u become

At 1:28 AM, Blogger Jimmy said...

i'm sorry you went through all this shit aj... get some sleep over the holidays, be glad its all over... i won't forget to buy you your christmas present... i hope the shipping people just get it to you ontime... get sleep


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